Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Feeling Guilty

I've been feeling a little guilty lately, and not that I'm looking for people to tell me not to feel guilty, but I'm just wondering if my feelings are normal, or if others have experienced them. That being said...

I've always thought I wanted at least a handful of children. 5 or 6 was always my plan. Scott was fine with that, though his thinking was more like 4 or 5. While I was pregnant I began thinking maybe 3 or 4. Scott was once again fine with that. Well, now Cecelia is here and I am so happy with just her. I mentioned to Scott the other day that if our next one is a boy I could see myself being satisfied with just 2, maybe 3. Today we were talking about up coming vacations and Scott mentioned that maybe we should plan to take Cecelia to Disneyland one last time for her second birthday, before we start trying for baby number 2, since our plan is to have about 3 years between children. I seriously started sweating BULLETS!! That's only a little over a year away... then the conversation took another turn... maybe we should start trying just before she turns 2, just so we have a few months leeway, thus moving our Disneyland trip more towards December of 2008 and our "trying" to January of 2009. I know that's a year away, but by this point in time I am on the verge of having a heart attack.

I know that it is important to provide Heavenly Father's spirit children with good, strong homes. I know that it is a blessing and privilege to be able to raise His children and give them earthly homes, and I feel very guilty about the above situation. Its not that I had a horrible pregnancy and don't ever want to go through that again. Its not that I hated giving birth (I actually loved it, and look forward to doing it again). And its not that I have a hard to handle child- she's an angel, and I could not be luckier. She's such an easy baby. I'm sure part of it is Satan working hard on me...

Have any of you had these sorts of feelings before? Is it possible that now just isn't the time for us to have another one, and that when the time comes I will feel a desire to have more children? Or am I completely nuts? Any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated...

12 comments:

Liz&Meg said...

When our little one was that age, I went through a phase where I thought I would be so happy with just her. I also have had the horrible thoughts-what if I can't love another child as much? what if they're not as cute as she is? what if our next one doesn't sleep like she does? But I also knew that obviously my heart would just get bigger with each baby. (and that I'd always think my own kids were cute-even if they don't sleep! :)

I went through a very content phase and I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that way. I think it's very important to enjoy to the fullest each stage of yours and their life that you're in. I was very happy with just our little baby and the sweet wonderful thing she is and then I also knew very distinctly when it was time for us to take the next step.

Jen L said...

I just want to echo what liz&meg said. I think I went through a VERY similar thing that you went through Claire. When we got married we wanted 6-7 kids. Then after I had MM I didn't want anymore. I love MM so much! I've had some pretty crazy thoughts justifying having only one child... I don't want to cheat her of having time to be our only.. as well as thoughts like Liz&meg said. It made me feel horrible and I would cry to Michael that he made a mistake of marrying me since I know he wants a big family and I was feeling very much like I only wanted one or two. He of course always says that whatever I want goes. But I felt absolutely horrible and that he should get a new wife. I was very against having more kids.

HOWEVER. About a month ago I have been thinking, talking and dreaming baby. (when MM was 13 months). As soon as I stop nursing MM it's off to the bedroom :) (ok, too much info, I'm sure). But I really want another child and I'm back to wanting a big family. I also had some sense knocked into me when I realized that I have only wanted one child now, but what about 5, 10 years down the road. In short, Heavenly Father definitely has been preparing me! But what you're going through is completely normal. Heavenly Father will help you along, and if you are supposed to have more, He'll let you know and He'll help you accept it :)

Kage said...

TOTALLY NORMAL...or else I need to be committed.

Aubreydoll said...

I just have to second (or, I guess, third!) what's been said here. Before we had our little one I wanted 6 kids, and I wanted them to be 2 years apart. Then, after we had Bauer, I wanted 4 kids, 3 years apart. Then, as Bauer got older and became more and more (and I'm talking more!) energetic, I've had many days where I've thought, "Hmm, maybe one wouldn't be that bad after all."

But, I know that's not really what I want and that it's just because he's young. When he's older it won't be so crazy all the time.

So, that being said, he's now almost two and a half and we are trying for number two, but we're both terrified! I was so impatient to get pregnant the first time around, but now I don't mind if it takes a while!

I just keep looking at mine and my husband's family now that all the kids are grown up and how much fun we all have together and I just try to remember that when I'm having an only-one-kid day!

Linz said...

I think you should choose to try to get pregnant when the Spirit tells you it's right. I don't think it should be mathematical or based on a pressure outside of you.

Linz said...

P.S. Thanks for being so open and honest!

Laura said...

Amen, sistahs! I totally went through those emotions. We always said 3-5 kids (there were 3 kids in my fam, and 5 in my husband's), and after #2 was born, I was feeling seriously content. I knew I had at least one more in me, but I had no desire to rush it. My husband (ironically, since he wants more kids than me to begin with), actually was more hesitant to rush into a third (because he's going back to school). However, I think everyone has already summed it up: don't rush it, ignore timelines and vacations (even though it's tempting to squeeze in free flights for the under 2 crowd), and just go with the Spirit. Mickey Mouse isn't going anywhere!

Stephanie said...

I personally think it's important to follow your heart, and the Spirit, like Linz said and not some exact plan that you had when you were married. I used to have an exact number when pple asked how many kids I wanted. But now the most important thing to me is the kind of mom I am. If I happen to have a child with special needs that needs a lot of my time, or I find that I am really stressed out after having 2 or 3 kids, then I'm not necessarily going to just keep popping out kids until I reach my magic number! I want to be a good, attentive, and cheerful mom. That's more important to me than reaching a certain number. So in other words, I'm taking it one child at a time.

That being said, I think you should just sit back and relax. And since you obviously love being a mom, I think you will feel differently when the time is right!

Aubreydoll said...

Well said, Stephanie!

Skipper said...

This sounds too familiar. The other day my husband told me we needed to get maternity added to our insurance in just FIVE months so that we could have baby #2 when Spencer is 2 1/2.

All the while I'm thinking, "Why not just stick with what we have right now."

Joni said...

First - you should never worry about when to have another baby when you have a small baby. You're not thinking clearly.

Second - Your value does not increase per child.

Third - We live in a way different world than our parents did. I think LDS families, as a trend, are becoming smaller because of the financial, moral and spiritual nurturing required these days.

There are way too many things to feel guilty about in life. Don't let this be one of them.

Chantel said...

I have felt that way after every child. I have found that just trusting the spirit has always been key. I never feel ready to have kids when I have them, but once I am pregnant I never regret doing it. I stress about everything so much that I could talk myself out of anything, so I just have to let the spirit guide my actions and trust that Heavenly Father knows what I am capible of.