Tonight I gave my husband an Anniversary gift of a photo slideshow on DVD. They were all pics of the two of us together. I didn't put in any pictures of us with the baby and I really liked that. We've been married 5 years and I was thrilled with the amount of pictures I was able to put in of just the two of us throughout our relationship. The pics filled up a four minute song. That being said, I had TWO, count them ONE-TWO, pictures of us alone since our baby was born last September. And these two pictures happened to be at the same place on the same day and I purposefully had someone take them because I knew I was going to be doing this gift for our Anniversary. It made me think two things:
1) I need to take more pictures of my husband and I.
2) I was thinking about an Oprah show I saw a year or so ago. An author of a book about marriage and parenting was on the show. She said it was most important to love your spouse, and your children second. Women in the audience were up in arms about it. I saw the author's point. I mean of course you would do anything for your children and you put so much time and effort into caring for them. I definitely spend more time with my child in the day than my husband. BUT, I do see keeping our marriages strong as being so very vital. A happy marriage can definitely affect our parenting and our children. I think marriage can affect all aspects of our health too. As a fairly new parent, I sometimes see seasoned families and wonder what the parents do to keep their marriages thriving or what they don't do that makes their marriage suffer.
I don't know if I really have a point, but just wondered if anyone had thoughts on the subject.
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It is an interesting subject. I always thought even children couldn't affect how I loved my husband more than anyone else. Then when I had a baby, someone raised the question, "If you were in a boat and your husband and child fell in without life jackets, and you could only save one of them, who would you save?" I think as a mother, it goes without question that you would grab your child. It's our job to protect them and take care of them. But does that mean I love my child more than my husband? I don't think so. I think it's just two different relationships. One thing I know is that while I don't think my husband WOULD ever do anything that could make me love him less, I suppose he theoretically COULD (such as cheating). But love for children is unconditional, and I don't think my child could do anything to make me love her less. Wow, that was a lot of rambling, and I don't even know if it was on the same point you were trying to make. One thing's for sure, I love my husband tons, and it's been cool to see how my heart just grew when I had a baby, I didn't have to replace any current feelings, now there's just more!
Love it Steph.
I don't know what point I'm making either! I do agree that having a baby has brought me even closer to my hubby.
I remember that Oprah show. The issue wasn't about loving your husband first and your children second, it was about reserving romantic love for you husband. The woman said "I love my children. But I'm not in love with my children," and that's what got everyone so upset. I don't think they could see the point she was trying to make. She was saying that too many people take away the intimate relationship from their husband (and we're not talking physical) and substitute their children to fill the emotional needs they aren't getting from the marital relationship. Her point was that even after you have children, it's very important to nurture the romance with your spouse instead of giving all of your emotional attention to your kids.
I think a lot of people didn't really understand what she was trying to say and that it is a trap all too easily fallen into.
We've been counseled over and over to strengthen the marriage relationship because it is the foundation all other relationships in the family stand on.
Good points Joni, that makes a lot of sense! My husband and I went on what was only our second or third date since our baby was born, almost a year ago! It reiterated once again, that I need to make it more of a priority. It's so important!
I was reading the other day about how you need to make sure to continue to nurture your relationship with your spouse after children are born, because if you start to base your relationship around the children and don't have alone time, then what will happen once the children are gone? I thought that it was interesting. I love my daughter...but I love the rare occasions that my husband and I have alone time that I'm not trying to get things done. It rarely happens...so maybe I should work harder to get some date nights in or something. :) Good post Linz.
Your marriage relationship is the most important relationship you have. Building a strong marriage requires time, attention, and energy.
As I was studying this topic at BYU I was introduced to research that showed how vital a happy marriage between parents is for their children. When children see that their parents love each other and put each other first it gives them a sense of a sturdy foundation. They feel safe and secure when they sense the strong bond between parents. Whenever there has been an issue between dedicating a little more time between my husband and children, I remember that.
Also something interesting I learned was that divorce rates have a dramatic increase when a couple moves into the empty-nester stage. I want to know that once the kids are gone that my husband and I will still have common goals and interests, so we need to keep developing them throughout our child raising years.
A friend of mine told me she she had a friend who was excited to have a baby because it would make her marriage stronger. She said she told her, "Make your marriage strong first and then add the baby because as much as you love them, having kids is tough!" I think it's a common and easy trap to realize that date nights have slipped, real conversations have been replaced by other distractions, and your relationship suffers. I was thinking of our own pictures after I read your post, and thinking we might have less than you have and our baby is twice as old!!! My husband has of course been patient and stood by while the baby has taken over my life, but it took me longer to wake up and realize how much we needed to pay attention to OUR relationship and not just the whole family unit. I think we all need reminders like these of how important our relationships with both our spouses and kids are!
Joni, thanks for the reminder--it's coming back to me now about that Oprah show and again, I totally agreed with the author. Important stuff.
Thanks for everyone's comments!
Quick poll: Do you guys still refer to your husbands by their first name, or do you ususally find yourselves referring to them as "Daddy" for the children's sakes? When my husband says my NAME, I find myself thinking it sounds...nice. I guess I'm used to being Mommy 24/7. I don't think it's bad to call each other Mommy and Daddy, but I was curious how it is for you, while we were talking about this!
it varies-if I'm referring to him when it has to do with M, I'll call him Daddy, like "Daddy, can you change M's diaper?" Even then, it's not all the time. But when it's just the two of us? ew! :)
My daughter doesn't say Mommy or Daddy, at least with intent, so lately I've been saying it a lot like, "Where's Daddy?" or pointing to him and saying "Daddy." But if I'm asking him to do something I usually don't call him Daddy even if she's in the room. Do you know what's funny? My husband and I rarely say each other's first name and when we do, it kind of startles the other person. It's usally honey, which can be very confusing when you call your baby honey sometimes too.
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