Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Comforting Those Who Stand in Need of Comfort
In my ward, there is an unusual amount of pregnant women right now. I keep joking that we're moving because we can't take the pressure! Seriously, for a small family ward in MN, there are a lot. Well, unfortunately with some pregnancies there are complications. We just had two miscarriages in the last week, unfortunately. I don't want to be insensitive to our sweet S&S sisters who are also pregnant right now so I hope this isn't an awful topic. I have been feeling so much love and emotion for these sweet women in my ward who I know are hurting. I always freeze in this situation though. The perfect example is the one sister in my play group who said, "I don't want to talk about it." So how do you help? How do you serve? How do you show support beyond prayers? Or is keeping them in your prayers just enough?
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6 comments:
I think the best thing you can do in that particular situation is to pray for them and to not treat them any differently. Keep being a friend, don't back away just because she doesn't want to talk about the miscarriage but don't smother her either. Then when she does need/want to talk (which most likely will come) she'll know that she has unfailing friends around her that she can talk to. I don't know what your relationship with her is like now, but if you're good friends, make a special effort to include her so she won't be trapped in her own despair. But if you aren't super close, or if getting together and doing things together isn't something that you've done before, don't make her feel like a project.
I don't know if any of that makes sense. Bottom line, pray for her and pray for you- that you will have the spirit direct how you can be a help to her. Many, like I, have had a miscarriage and how people deal with it is very different with each person. I guess, though if you think something would be nice to do and you think it may help her, do it. In that case it's better to "comfort" too much than not enough (of course wise judgement should be used). Just from my personal feelings, I'd rather be brought down to the depths of humility in accepting service from others than to stand completely alone in my trials feeling like no one cares. But unfortunately there really isn't an easy answer, except prayer.
It's different for each person. For instance, I really like to talk things out. I'm very open, others are not.
I think every trial and every person needs different things but some thoughts (depending on each situation) are to have a fun girls' night or invite a bunch of friends to a Saturday matinee. Something that is just plain fun. Or take a few friends to the temple when husbands can babysit.
Many people will not say "yes" when you ask them if you can do something for them. Sometimes it might work to say, "I'm watching your kids sometime this week for you so you can run your errands in peace and I won't take no for an answer." Hard to argue with that.
Prayer is the best.
Although I haven't experienced a miscarriage, I've had a few trials in the last year which have forced me to look at service in a very different way. First of all, there is no one "right answer" or response. I think once we get over looking for the perfect response, we are more open to just be genuine and inspired. I agree with Linz's last point. Be specific when offering help. Be prepared to really listen if you offer to listen or ask a question. I can't tell you how many times someone asks me how I'm handling all that is going on and when I start to open up, they either don't know how to listen or they don't want to. It is frustrating. Genuine offers of prayer and fasting are so nice. I also have appreciate the mailed notes. It tells me someone is thinking enough to send a note even if it just says "thinking of you."
Mostly, just don't get caught up in doing it "right" and be genuine.
Thank you guys! you're giving me courage and also have such wonderful suggestions!
I agree with the other comments. "I don't want to talk about it," definitely doesn't mean, "I don't want support." It's just a really difficult thing to actually talk about. Maybe give her a nice card letting her know you feel terrible for her loss, that you are there for her, etc. But DON'T say you know how she feels! Even if you think you have gone through something similar, no one knows exactly the pain she is experiencing. Just let her know it's ok for her to grieve, and you will be there for her. Another tip: other people will forget about this after a few weeks. But she will still hurt from it months down the road. So remember her from time to time and let her know you still think of her loss!
Well I just recently had a miscarriage also. I was only 8 weeks pregnant so it wasn't as awful as it could have been. I would say that praying for them and just continuing to show that you are a good friend is what is important. She may just need some time before she can talk about it. It is a really hard situation to be in. I didn't really tell anyone at my ward but I remember feeling a couple times after like I just wished someone would stop by. Not to talk to me about it or for me to tell but just so I felt like I had a friend and someone who cared. So you could do something nice for her and just not bring up the miscarriage.
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